The Confession
by Wulfkub
Summary: One shot deal. Just an imagined confession from Bellatrix while she was in Azkaban. Rated PG 13 just to be on the safe side...


_I own nothing. As usual, please R&R. Flame me if you want, I'll probably ignore it. This is just a one shot deal; an imaginary confession between Bellatrix and an unknown other. PG-13 for dark themes and a hint of masochism._

Pain. It cleanses and purifies all. Only in pain can we begin to find perfection in ourselves. Domination. Do you know what it is like to surrender your will, your very being, into the care of another? Can you understand the freedom that surrender brings you? Of course you cannot. You pride yourself on your self-control and your restraint.

But you have not seen what I have and you never will. And trust me, my lady, you do not want to. A mind like yours would warp and twist, pushing you into insanity or even oblivion. I...was too strong to allow that to happen and I was not broken. I will never break. You, on the other hand, would snap, splintering yourself into a million pieces because of what you are.

You know, it is our experiences that warp us into what we become. But I did what I did because of what I am. You do not know me; not really, even though you delude yourself into thinking that you could even possibly hope to understand why I made certain choices. Ha! There is the real delusion, to think that I chose the path that I tread. As the Sorting Hat would tell you, if you got over your arrogance and ever bothered to ask it, none of us really has a choice. And Slytherins, in particular, have less a choice than the rest of the sheep.

I see by the look in your eyes that you are skeptical. I do not blame you; it is impossible for you to understand until you have been in my position. I will try, for your sake, to elucidate.

A very long time ago and quite by accident, I found out what pain was...and what it really means to those who survive it. For me, it was something more than a thing to endure as it is for most people. No, I...I found my salvation in it and I cannot even begin to tell you how I wallowed in that salvation.

Do I disgust you? I have not told you anything you did not already suspect. Maybe I disturb you instead. Ah, but you are still refusing to get it, are you not? You do not know why you should be disturbed.

Let me spell it out for you then. Take your most erotic dream, the one that you would never tell a single soul in a million years and add in just a hint of desperation, an intense desire for something more, something just out of reach. Let the desire eat at you; at your mind, at your will, at your very soul. Now imagine, if you dare, a hint of a change, a shadow casting itself on top of you as the sensations change from strictly pleasurable to a dash of pain. Just a hint, really. Just enough to heighten...everything else.

Do not think, just feel. Let the pain intensify, slowly. Feel the pain rush in, embracing the pleasure like the long lost lover that it is. When you can no longer separate the two sensations in your head, one will fight for domination over the other; it is your choice, your only choice at this point, as to which sensation will win. And, imagine this, whichever way you choose; what you feel will explode all around you, driving everything else away til you are nothing but your choice.

I see that you are starting to understand me. Or, at least, you can stretch your mind far enough to touch the tip of this particular ice burg. But you still do not know what I am and you will never as long as you remain without making your choice.

Oh? You think you can live your life without knowing which one you would choose? Again, you are deluding yourself. It is in your blood to know, just as it is in mine and every other person on the face of the planet. How can you know, how can you truly understand yourself unless and until you have been there?

The Dementors are coming. Can you feel them; all locked up and repressed as you are, as you must be? I thought not. You have not decided...

You might want to me leave now...unless you think you can handle it. Are you ready to make your choice? They will not wait for you to ask any more questions, you know, but you will have your answers to the real question, the one you are too afraid to ask yourself...

What was my choice?

Pain. Always pain.

What will yours be, I wonder?


End file.
